Day 10 - Hope and Loss

There is a battle in me between feeling loss and feeling hope for the future. The loss of our first pregnancy is overwhelming at some moments, it is hard to explain. The sadness of thinking about what could have been is very painful. I will say that as my body has recovered from the miscarriage and my hormones go back to normal, I don't cry 10 times a day. But now I have what feels like a shadow in my mind and on my heart. It follows me everywhere. When I got my period last week, I cried because I was sad and happy. But what I find is that the second I feel happy or hopeful that we may get pregnant and have a baby, I am immediately reminded of our first. I feel guilty for being happy. My first will always be my first and getting pregnant again isn't going to alleviate that pain.

The stakes are higher now. Going through IVF#2 is more difficult. I can't suspend reality this time, I can't ignore the pain. But I know that I have to get to a better place in my mind where I am feeling positive and confident in order to make it through the shots, the pills, the procedures, the pain, the emotions that come from the drugs, the exhaustion, the extreme bloating.... I am trying. I don't think it is going to happen today.

Day 7 - The shots start

This morning I started with the lupron shot, 10units each morning in my stomach - ugh. My guess is the first few days of the shots will be ok. But next week will likely start the pain, bloated stomach and exhaustion. I don't look forward to that part of this. I am hoping I can still go to the gym through next week before it all hits me. Yesterday my husband asked if we should go to Walmart this weekend to buy some big stretch comfortable pants I can wear to get through this. I only have one pair of pants I can wear!

In four weeks, give or take a few painful extra days, will be the retrieval. It is hard not to get anxious about it. My husband was able to work out his schedule to keep the week open, so that made me feel much better. But this time is more difficult. I think it is because I know what the outcome can be. I know the devistating pain I could experience again. I hope I can put the pain aside in order to have the right mindset for this again.

I talked with a good friend of mine today and told her. She had noticed I was being a hermit and we hadn't talked in several months. So when she asked how I was, I asked if she knew what was happening with Celine Dion. She laughed and said she heard something about her performing in Vegas. We both laughed. I said no, there is something else she is doing. (Side note, Celine is also going through IVF. She had one miscarriage and just finished her 5th IVF and is waiting to see if she is pregnant.) I told my friend that Celine is going through the same thing I am. She stopped and didn't say anything, she could tell it wasn't about a show in Vegas. Words have never been difficult for me to find, but telling a good friend that you lost your baby is something that isn't easy. The words just don't come, instead the cracked voice and tears flow. It has been alomst 2 months since we knew something was wrong, and talking about it makes it feel like it was today. I cried while telling her and she was a great friend and just said she was so sorry. There really aren't any other words to say. I am glad I told her. But it still doesn't take the pain away. It is still sad and lonely. I can't see a day that is doesn't feel this way.

Day 5 - Egg retrieval when your husband has a conflict

March 16-19 is the window of days my doctor estimates we will have our egg retrieval surgery. My husband has a conflict that can't be changed on the 17th!!! My sister who lives near by isn't available. So what is a hopeful future mommy going through IVF to do? A cab? Fly my mom in for the week? Good grief. And of course we will not know until a few days before what the final date is. It is very difficult not to get anxious about this. I don't want to go through the hell of all the shots and pills and the way they make you feel so completely horrible only to find out on D-Day that we can't go through with the plan. I know somehow this will work out, but this morning I am stressed, nervous and not excited about this development. I am going to play my theme song and try to not think about this.

Day 4.5 - New IVF Protocol

After asking all my questions about the new IVF protocol, I THINK i understand the plan. Friday I started on birth control pills that I will take for 11 days. Tonight I started taking 1 glucophage pill with dinner. Thursday I start taking 1 Lupron shot each morning, next Monday I take 2 glucophage pills with dinner. On March 6 I start a 2nd shot of bravelle and menopur (which includes mixing 5 bravelle viles with menopur 1 vile and 1 vile of water) and I reduce the lupron shot to 5 units, versus the 10 units. Retrieval is estimated on March 16 to 19 with the transfer 3-5 days after that. After the retrieval starts a different set of drug protocols. Confused? Well if you have been through IVF, this probably doesn't sound too different. I am curious if anyone else has been through this protocol and what was your result.

My first IVF cycle was 25 days, this cycle will be 33 to 36 days - ugh! My first cycle I had 20 eggs! I felt like a tick that was ready to pop at any second! I am hoping a longer time with this cycle will mean a few less eggs that are a bit more mature.

After my major breakdown this morning, I listened to my theme song, apologized to my husband, worked out at the gym and decided to give myself a break. Over the past two months after finding out that we would lose our baby, I did a pretty good job of keeping hold of myself. I was extremely sad and lonely, I cried A LOT, but I didn't take it out on anyone. My husband and I were a team dealing with the pain together. I guess I am glad to know that when the chips are really down, when the pain seems insurmountable, that we are able to stick together and support each other. He has been amazing. The best decision I ever made was to marry him. Thank goodness I was smart enough to do that. Losing it over a stupid bed is comical, or at least it will be in a few days.

Day 4 - Sleep Number Bed Nightmare and IVF plans

Ok, I know this seems weird that I would write about my Sleep Number Bed on my IVF blog, but I have completely lost it with this disaster of a bed. We bought the "Cadillac of beds" which was installed in our house almost 3 weeks ago. Ever since we have had to sleep on our couches because of the toxic smell that comes from the bed. We have not slept on this bed at all. This while we are trying to get pregnant, eat healthy, take all the drugs, exercise and try not expose ourselves to any chemicals that would cause us to either not get pregnant or have another miscarriage. If you have been through IVF, you know what I am talking about! We called customer service several times and where told we could use dryer sheets (what a joke) or take apart the bed, take the parts outside and then roll up the parts like a "sleeping bag to release the air pockets". This after we paid more than $4,000 for a bed that we couldn't sleep on and we had to literally physically work to try and fix. What a joke. I plan to send the CEO a bill for the hours of time I have spent on this bed.

So how is this related to my IVF blog? Well, this morning I received my IVF#2 protocol which is different than the first cycle. I had many questions about the drugs and timing and got very nervous and anxious about it. Then my husband and I started talking about the disaster of a bed and how our life is turned upside down, the discussion got heated and I completely and utterly lost it and screamed at the top of my voice - "this is your bed and your problem to fix". I have never screamed so loud in my life and I am horrified, embarrassed and so very sorry that I got to this point. This is so not important or worth it in the scheme of our life. My husband called the company and they are coming to get the bed - of course we don't get the delivery fees of $160 back which is not how to treat a customer and why I will tell everyone I know how terrible The Sleep Number Bed company is. As Clark Howard says "customer no service."

This bed story is a good example of how you feel going through IVF after having a miscarriage. On a daily basis I am so close to the edge. I am up and down, happy and sad, confident and scared, anxious and calm - every emotion all at the same time and conflicting emotions all at the same time. So today I am going to do four things to try and "keep a lid on things" - 1) play my theme song, I Gotta A Feeling, 2) apologize to my husband (again) , 3) be thankful that my husband and I are on the same team (while our game playing styles may be different, we have the same goals and we love each other) and 4) focus on the end game - a happy loving life with us and our future child. I guess this is a $160 lesson I am willing to pay to keep my mind on what is important.

Thanks babe for hanging in here with me. I love you bunches.

Day 3.5 - "I Gotta Feeling"

After I blogged this morning I went to the gym for my step class (still trying to get ride of a lb. or two from pregnancy #1) and the very first song was the Black Eyed Peas - "I Gotta Feeling". I love the upbeat feeling that this song gives me. I saw the outdoor concert with Oprah where they had thousands of people (non dancers) perform a dance to this song. If you haven't seen it, here is the link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IN_YvaW505c. It is really cool and worth the few minutes to watch it.

Anyway, as I wrote this morning I am trying to get mentally ramped up for IVF #2. This song is going to be my theme song. I know it has nothing to do with pregnancy, children, love, etc. In fact, it is about going out and enjoying a night out. BUT, it makes me smile and I feel energized and empowered when I hear it. As I was working out and listening to this song I smiled, I laughed, I felt like I could do anything. As the song says "I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night, That tonight’s gonna be a good night." Switch the words around and you can see how I could use this for my own situation. I asked my husband to add this song to my Ipod so as I travel in the next couple of weeks for work I can make sure I stay in the right frame of mind.

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night (x3)
Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get OFF
I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it allI feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And loosing all control
Fill up my cup
Mozoltov
Look at her dancing
Just take it off
Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again
Lets Do it (x3)
And live it up
I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night (x2)
Tonight’s the night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Lets spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Lets get get OFF
Fill up my cup (Drink)
Mozolotov (Lahyme)
Look at her dancing (Move it Move it)
Just take it off
Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Lets burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again
Lets do it (x3)
Let’s live it up
Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock
Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top
Feel the shot
Body rock
Rock it don’t stop
Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock
Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday, Thursday,Friday, Saturday,Saturday and Sunday
Get get get get get
With us you know what we say
Party everyday p-p-p-party
Party everyday
I gotta feeling that tonight gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night(x2)

Day 3 - Am I really a Blogger?

When we decided to try IVF there were four people who knew - me, my husband, our doctor and my sister. I didn't want to tell anyone else, I am not really sure why. Part of the reason was I didn't want to be asked a lot of questions, I had too many of them myself to be able to answer other people's questions. The pressure of people knowing and their expectations is probably another reason. There is something else, but I can't really put my finger on it. And then when we found out we were pregnant I still didn't want to tell anyone because what if something went wrong? And since we lost our baby I really haven't told too many people. Family wise I told my sister, mom and aunt. I burst into tears while getting my hair done with my hairdresser, so of course I had to tell her. I burst into tears at the gym at the beginning of the first exercise class I went back to and so I told a woman there that I am friendly with. And finally I told a good friend who went through multiple IVFs and had 7 miscarriages - she was both emotionally understanding AND could talk from an educated perspective about everything that comes along with IVF. That was a good decision.

So why did I want to start a blog? My husband said - you realize that anyone can see a blog and that everyone will know what you are doing. That is true, but as you have noticed, I decided not to give personal information, so I have some level of anonymity. But why did I want to blog? There is so much going on in my brain and in my heart that I need a place to sort it out and store it. I am hoping that writing about all this will help me, as my husband says about himself at times, "keep a lid on things." I look at this blog as a way to manage the madness before the lid explodes!

I know that as I get into the shots, the pills, the blood tests, the ultrasounds and closer each day to retrieval and transfer that I am going to need this blog to help me. My first IVF I was really able to be positive and hopeful. I was excited, I truly felt that I could do it all! I was an athlete who had trained for years and it was the week before the big game. I powered through he pain, the emotional ups and downs, the weight gain, the busting at the seams feeling you get from all the drugs, I was super woman and I knew I was going to get pregnant. And then the rug I had been steadily standing on was literally stolen from underneath me. I am sure that sounds strange because of course we knew the risks, right? Our doctor had explained all the risks and we had done the research to know that we might not get pregnant, that odds were high we would have a miscarriage, we knew it could be a big bust. BUT when you are preparing for the big game you have to be positive, you have to believe that you can do it, you have to tell yourself it will all be ok in order to give yourself 3 shots a day, in order to take your body and turn it into a big walking chemical, in order to withstand the pain from the top of your thighs to your neck. So when we lost our baby, it felt like a train hit me. It was unexpected and my heart exploded.

So here I am about a week away from getting back into the drugs and all that comes with it. For now I am taking a pre-natal vitamin and a birth control pill. I can deal with that. But I have a week to get ready for the big game. I have to find a way to get back to feeling like I can do this. I hope I can, it seems like I am at the bottom of Mount Kilimanjaro looking up and today it seems insurmountable.