Day 2 of IVF

This is our second IVF cycle, day 2 of #2. I am a 43 year old woman who has never tried to have children before. My husband and I have been married for 7.5 years and just last May we both were finally in the right place to think we wanted to have children. To be honest, it was mostly me that held things up. Although in the 7 years of our marriage there were times that I went to him to talk about kids and he wasn't there, but there were many more times that he came to me to talk about kids and I wasn't there. Bottom line, here we are - a43 year old woman and 40 year old man - wanting to start a family, feeling that we can be good parents and struggling with the age factor.

For the past few days I have been thinking that maybe our first pregnancy was a signal to my body that it is time to release the good eggs. I can't help but singing out in my mind - "release the hounds!" The doctors say that 50% of all first pregnancies end in miscarriage due to poor egg quality - no matter what the woman's age. If that is really true, then maybe it is nature's way of telling the egg manufacturing plant to get the best eggs ready for the next go round. That is what I am going to hold on to.

We started in September with a local infertility practice. Our diagnosed problem is age. I have never been pregnant, never tried to get pregnant, we just have age as our enemy. We have been through all the tests known to man and we (mostly me) have passed them all. So we don't have a diagnosed problem. We tried two IUI (artificial insemination) and then went to IVF because we thought why not cut out all the guess work. We got pregnant and were so very excited. I still see my husband's smile when the doctor called us and on speaker phone told us the good news. I have never seen him smile like that before, it was one of the most special moments of my life. I cry when I think about it.

So for two weeks we were pregnant, happy and trying not to get ahead of ourselves. For Christmas we thought it would be fun to give everyone an envelope at the end of all the present unwrapping and in it would say - congratulations, you are a grandmother, a grandfather, an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, etc. for each person individually. It was going to be so fun! Unfortunately at 5 weeks and 2 days we had an ultrasound, which looked normal, but the blood test was not. For the next 2 weeks we went back for ultrasounds and blood tests and on Dec 28 we were told for sure that our baby was not developing and we would have a miscarriage. On that day I saw my husband cry for the 2nd time in my life. It is a moment I try to not dwell on, I cry when I think about it.

So today as I look out the window to see the beautiful white snow and the bright blue sky, I am trying to be hopeful. I am excited about the possibility of the "right" egg being manufactured and I am hopeful that this 2nd IVF cycle will be the one. But I still cry at the thought of our first baby and what could have been. One doesn't replace the other, I think I will always feel that way. But I guess that is what life is all about - finding a way to be happy even when their is pain.